So let me tell you about this one time last year. Freshman year. One of my bestfriends, Jenny Yim, started cutting herself. I forgot why but seeing her cuts and having her tell me she’s hurting herself hurted me deeply. So I tried to find a way to get her to stop. I told her, “Jenny. If I ever see another cut on you, I’ll multiply that cut by 2 and whatever the outcome is, That’s the amount of cuts I’ll give myself.” So I basically just told her, If I see a cut on her arm, I’ll cut myself double that amount she has on her arm. I’m willing to hurt myself for others. For this reason, I don’t think anyone knows but Jenny, but I kept a small razor hidden in my wallet just to warn her and let her know I’m serious. I never had a reason to use it after this situation. She didn’t cut herself anymore. Not that I know of.  So I never had a reason to reach into my wallet to find it to use it. 

Not until today. Today I felt a pain like no other I’ve ever felt before.  Irregular heart beats. Nausea. Blurry vision.  Well. You probably think it’s nothing. Everyone has that. But the thing is, it came to me without a hesitation. Without delay.  Could you possibly believe all that came from reading one thing? I’ve never had a reason to reach into my wallet before to look for that razor. Not until today. I don’t know what hurting myself could do to help me but I just wanted to hurt myself. I just wanted myself to focus on another pain rather than focus on this I’m currently feeling and having.  Without a doubt, the pain I’m feeling right at this second could not ever possibly compare to a cut but I guess a cut could get my mind off things just for a small second.  A small second is all I’m asking for.. To forget about everything just for one small second…

Dear loved ones,

I did no hurt myself. Do not worry.  I’m standing and I’m breathing. 

Dear loved ones,

You’re so lucky there wasn’t a razor in my wallet…  Did I take it out? Did someone take it out? Or did I just not put it in this wallet?  I don’t know.. But you’re very lucky there wasn’t anything in my wallet.

Love, Amanda T.